About Depression - Quareness Series 84th "Lecture".
Integrity...to integrate...to achieve wholeness (= opposite of compartmentalising) requires us to be fully open to the conflicting forces, ideas and stresses in life. The current controversy once again raging in our Irish republic surrounding the issue of abortion brings this into sharp focus. It seems obvious that for us life begins at conception and any interruption of that life involves the killing of at least a potential human being. However, any one-dimensional view of the rights (conflicting or otherwise) impacted e.g. no abortion ever, abortion on demand, etc. may not be helpful in the real world of wellness.
When we're faced with any proposed solution to a social problem it can help clarity to consider...what is missing. What's missing in a blanket ban on abortion is personal responsibility with the lawmakers taking such away from the mother and/or parents of the unborn child but not taking it on themselves for the child (and indeed the parent) once born - a law/ruling seemingly without compassion and integrity. On the other hand a simple policy of abortion on demand may tend to diminish our reverence for life itself and promote an unrestrained self-interest and rugged individualism where children and those who need other people are missing. Either way leads to a closing off/compartmentalising of our not always comfortable integrity. Sooner or later we may come to realise that on a certain level each of us may need to be responsible for everything?
Sometimes what is said is not quite as important as what is not said...those talking freely of the present and the future but never about the past may have something unintegrated from their past...talking freely of the past and future but not about the present may involve a problem with vulnerability and the "here and now"...and not talking about the future may signal a problem with faith or hope. Again the fuller picture can be missing to the detriment of integrity.
It's been said there are 4 main stages of spiritual development:
- Chaotic and anti-social characterised by lawlessness and an absence of spirituality.
- Formal and institutional characterised by a rigorous adherence to the letter of the law and attachment to the forms of religion.
- Sceptical and individual characterised by inquisitiveness and principled behaviour devoid of religious adherence or interest.
- Mystical and communal characterised by commitment to the spirit (as opposed to the letter) of the law.
And these stages seem more or less to parallel those of our human pychosexual development...(i) first 5 years (ii) latency period (iii) adolescence and early adulthood (iv) last half of life, which cannot really be skipped over although any individual can act from (or even from between) any one or more stages at differing times throughout his/her "mature" life.
Understanding this is important when it comes to true integrity, especially given the sense of threat that can easily exist between people at the different stages. We have a tendency to regard someone who is one stage (or even one step or part of a step) ahead of us as a wise person. On the other hand if someone is two steps ahead we may tend to think of him or her as a threat (e.g. Jesus, Socrates, etc.). It would appear then that the likely most effective guides/models for stages one, two and three people might be those at or lately on their way to stages two, three and four respectively.
Secular humanism has many good-living values e.g. loving well, working productively, thinking, etc. sufficient for many people. However, others may need some spiritual ideas and concepts to function well. For example those with "phobic personalities" who might tend to see the world as a very dangerous place in which it was up to them alone to survive solely on their wits, could be inclined to narrow their experience to one in which they have complete control and hence feel safe. To counteract such "flights from integrity" a more benign view of the world in which they are not all alone but have some kind of in-built protection in the form of say God's grace could be useful. For those Christians frightened of feeling sorry for themselves it may help to recall that Jesus taught us to carry our cross joyfully...but not for 24 hours a day. And for any self-satisfied Christians the words of St Thérése of Lisieux may help "if you are willing to serenely bear the trial of being displeasing to yourself, then you will be for Jesus a pleasant place of shelter".
Depressives are experts at being displeasing to themselves but tend not to be too serene about it. In some (many?) cases such excessive "breast beating" can be a perverted form of pride...beneath their pseudo-humility may lie a core of arrogance and narcissism. Many may in fact suffer through distorted thinking processes in selectively perceiving the negative in their world and failing to perceive the positive. As the 12 century Muslim mystic (Jalálu'l-Din Rúmí) pointed out..."your depression is connected to your insolence (narcissism) and refusal to praise".
During our first year of infancy we apparently do not really recognise any difference between ourselves and the outside world, until we come to learn of our ego's physical boundaries (during our 2nd year). Of course this does not at all seem to apply to our boundaries of power, given that we still think we're the centre of the universe. During the "terrible twos" in the normal course of events, restrictive barriers and limits are increasingly placed in our way and we painfully get to learn we are not really the boss. It's hardly a surprise then that this time of life is noted as one of depression and tantrums. However, successfully navigating our way through this turbulence (with good guidance and enlightened loving from our parental guardians) results in us taking our first giant steps out of narcissism.
If things go awry at this crucial stage of development and we are not well and wisely handled, we can become stuck in a kind of primitive survival mode through holding onto our infantile omnipotence and narcissism...a somewhat consoling fantasy that tends to increasingly take up residence in our subconscious as we grow into adulthood. Later in life when nobody comes to recognise us for who we think we really are, depression may set in. And what can lie at the base of the cognitive difficulty of depressives is this core fantasy that bad things should not happen to them...selectively perceiving the negatives and failing to perceive the positives.
It seems we all have a tendency to go around suffering from the illusion that we can be the scriptwriter in the drama of our lives, and we may become furious or depressed or terrified when things don't go as we want them to. Many of us seem never able to adjust to the reality that life is larger than just our show, thereby failing to adjust and failing to learn. For real learning and growing we'd have to come to terms with the fact that "life is what happens when you've planned something else".
I've been wandering this dark road far away from easy street
With a suitcase full of empty and I'm tired and I'm beat
I'm standing at a crossroads now with the sun going down
Hoping for some comfort to tide me over 'till I'm gone.
Feeling like some faded picture hanging on a flaky wall
Framed in a cloaking cloud of dust afraid that I might fall
It's a sepia print of a lifetime spent clothed in suits and ties
Too full of painful memories too full of my own lies.
I've been stumbling in the wind and struggling with the rain
I've often asked the warming sun to set me on my feet again
But the sun he stopped hearing me a long long time ago
When the dark clouds came rolling in and touched my aching soul.
I have so little time now and that time is nearly gone
My dark road days are numbered there'll be no more moving on
Those promises I made myself I've now really got to keep
'Cos I sure could use some comfort before I lay me down to sleep.
(Retiring my depression).
Sean.
Dean of Quareness.
November, 2017.