Hearing the "Language of Quiet" in a "Loud World" - Quareness Series (48th "Lecture"). 

According to Free Trait Theory (a la the popular Canadian Harvard Psychology Professor Brian Little..."a cross between Robin Williams and Einstein") we are born and culturally endowed with certain personality traits but we can and do act out of character in the service of our "core personal projects". Thus introverts are capable of acting like extraverts for the sake of what they consider important. And according to Professor Little our lives can be dramatically enhanced when we're involved in the core personal projects we consider meaningful, manageable and not unduly stressful, and that are supported by others. While many may be uncomfortable with the idea of the moral ambiguity of taking on a "false" persona for any length of time, if (despite being convincing to others) it's only in fact a pretending in the service of love or a professional calling, then perhaps we're really not out of step with Shakespeare's oft-quoted advice...."to thine own self be true"? 

It seems that introverts who are especially good at acting like extraverts tend to be highly skilled at modifying their behaviour to the social demands of a situation, being constantly on the lookout for clues to tell them how to act. Such high "self monitors" tend to be good at producing the desired impact in any given social situation, and also to experience less stress in doing so.

In contrast low "self monitors" base their behaviour on their own internal compass having a smaller repertoire of social masks at their disposal. They tend to be less sensitive to situational cues and less interested in role-playing....pitching to an inner rather than outer "audience".

The American psychologist Mark Snyder author of "Public Appearances, Private Realities" has created a "Self-Monitoring Scale" to help us to measure our strengths and weaknesses in this area....

A high self-monitor would tend toward answering the following questions in the affirmative:

- When you're uncertain how to act in a social situation, do you look to the behaviour of others for cues?

- Do you often seek the advice of your friends to choose movies, books or music?

- In different situations and with different people, do you often act like very different people?

- Do you find it easy to imitate other people?

- Can you look someone in the eye and tell a lie with a straight face, if for a right end?

- Do you ever deceive people by being friendly when really you dislike them?

- Do you put on a show to impress or entertain people?

- Do you sometimes appear to others to be experiencing deeper emotions than you actually are?

A low self-monitor would tend to answer yes to the following different questions:

- Is your behaviour usually an expression of your true inner feelings, attitudes and beliefs?

- Do you find that you can only argue for ideas that you already believe?

- Would you refuse to change your opinions, or the way you do things, in order to please someone else or win their favour?

- Do you dislike games like charades or improvised acting?

- Do you have trouble changing your behaviour to suit different people and different situations?

From this small sample one can readily see how interactive encounters between the unaware can easily become problematic e.g. to high self-monitors "the lows" can seem rigid and socially awkward, and to low self-monitors "the highs" can come across as conformist and deceptive. However, this may not really be the case e.g. self monitoring may more pleasingly be seen as accommodating oneself to situational norms rather than bending everything to ones' own needs and concerns. Of course we may need to guard against self-negation (e.g. when we might come to believe that the route to success is to be the sort of person I am not) but as long as our actions are supported by our deeper personal values it seems we may sometimes behave in a pseudo-extraverted fashion without harm. Paradoxically, perhaps the best way to successfully act out of character is to (in private) stay as true to yourself as your situation allows e.g. creating as many "restorative niches" (where to go to return to your true self) as possible in your daily life.

Successful linking with your deep personal values may require being able to identify your own core personal projects. Think of what you loved to do as a child and what you then wanted to be when you grew up....the underlying impulse in your answers may have been right on. Pay attention to the work you naturally gravitate towards and the goals of such work. And pay attention to what you envy....it can tell the truth.  

We might all be better off if we made a habit of carefully evaluating the presence or absence of restorative niches. Introverts might ask themselves e.g. whether a job would allow for spending time on such in-character activities as say reading, strategising, writing, researching, or whether it would allow for private workspace away from the constant demands of an open-plan office, etc. And if the job does not provide enough restorative niches whether there'd be enough time in the evenings and at weekends to meet this need. Extraverts too might profitably look to their own restorative niches e.g. whether a job involves talking, travelling, meeting new people, or whether the workspace is stimulating enough and if not whether the hours are flexible enough to allow for blowing off steam after work.

Research shows that people tend to flourish when they're engaged in occupations, roles or settings that are concordant with their personalities, but may well stop learning when they feel emotionally threatened. Our cultures/societies may need to pay a lot more attention than heretofore to "job fit"? 

The most attractive environment for each of us may be for our life to be one big continuous restorative niche, but the real world ain't like that. Perhaps the most practical best outcome is to achieve a reasonable balance in accepting that we'll act out of character some of the time in exchange for being ourselves the rest of the time. And if only we were more tuned in and open-minded about these things, our modern Western lives could be more readily seen as full of opportunities for such happier compromises e.g. attending your extraverted friend's wedding but skipping the extra 2-3 days of partying surrounding the event. The important thing for each of us souls is to be respected (indeed loved) for our true in-character self, if only because too much acting out of character without adequate restorative niches can lead to burnout with potentially very serious mental and physical consequences.

Nature seems to have arranged things so that the introvert (with the core attributes of depth and sensitivity) and extravert (with vivacity and gregariousness) types are often attracted/drawn to each other - in business, friendship and romance - perhaps with a sense that they complete each other. Nevertheless problems can arise when the members of such unions pull in opposite directions e.g. if marriage for an extravert meant lots of shared adventures and never having to be by him/herself, or starting to believe that his/her introverted partner is anti-social (the truth of course is that the latter is just differently social). Unlike the introverted, our extraverts appear to need people primarily as a way to fill a need for social impact rather than for more intimate connections, a state of affairs readily open to conflicting misinterpretations on both sides. You could say that your degree of extraversion seems to influence how many friends you have as against how good a friend you are, even though studies do not show any correlation for either type with agreeableness. What may count most in any relationship is the extent to which it is nurtured (in their own way) by the agreeableness of both types. And this type of understanding can help us to cope well with the very common introvert-extravert dynamic where the former craves downtime and understanding and the latter longs for company and may be resentful that others seem to benefit more from "the best" of their colleague/friend/partner. 

Such knowledge could also help with conflict resolution when we're aware that the impulse of the introvert is generally to avoid conflict (indeed sometimes adopting a very rational/monotone approach) while that of the extravert tends to be more argumentative/confrontational - a state of affairs that can present many opportunities for acknowledging another's point of view, in the interests of mutual understanding (= fostering real dialogue rather than conflict). Studies show that introverts tend to respond more favourably to friendly interactions/exhortations e.g. "well done keep up the good work" whereas extraverts are engaged more with more bracing prompts e.g. "I know you can do better" - useful pointers perhaps for coaches, managers or teachers? 

On another level there's also some evidence that the more boredom prone extravert tends to drive faster and more aggressively and favouring lots of aural and visual "distractions" like loud radio or cell phone contact or checking out the talent in the next car. Introverts, on the other hand, are a lot more concerned with arriving at their destination in a reasonable time and in a reasonably calm mental state! 

Broadening out this point somewhat it would appear that some cultures (the more introverted perhaps) for example show esteem for the other by minimising conflict, whilst others are likely to view disagreement not as a sign of disrespect but rather as a signal that the opposing party is concerned and passionately engaged with the problem/task. A word of warning though...the idea that letting off steam is a healthy releasing of built up aggression appears to be a myth - many studies have shown that venting actually fuels anger rather than soothes it. And it seems anger expression is not just damaging in the moment but has a significantly longer repair time. At the end of the day none of us really likes to feel dominated or disrespected. 

The burden for the naturally more deep thinking and more guilt prone introverts among us is to accept that it's both okay to be in the wrong and to assert themselves (or to step outside their usual comfort zone) when called for. It might be a good idea all round to seek in our own heads to take the tone out of what someone says and try to see the underlying message, which more often than not in our normal discourse amounts to a more reasonable request for attention, love and respect. 

Participation places a very different set of demands on the brain than observing does, given that it requires an ability to process a lot of short-term information at once without becoming distracted or overly stressed i.e. being good at handling competing demands on our attention - something for which our extraverts tend to be well suited. Our introverts, however, may be inclined to feel repelled by social events (e.g. parties) forcing them to attend to many people at once. And so when they assume their preferred role of observing (through contemplating, quietness, putting pen to paper, etc.) there's no real anti-social aspect to this...they're simply doing what comes naturally. And this is hardly surprising when we know that introverts have a tendency to focus on one or two serious subjects in conversation while the extroverts would go for lighter and more wide ranging topics. 

But what is perhaps a little surprising is that although they may sometimes feel mutually put off, each type can often be a bit more relaxed talking one-to-one with the opposite type...the introvert tending to view such interaction as "a breath of fresh air" and the extravert feeling less pressure to be falsely upbeat. Humanity sure is a complicated species! 

As a blueprint for living in our "loud world" we could do worse than sincerely take on board the following:

- Love is essential, gregariousness is optional.

- Cherish your nearest and dearest.

- Work with those you like and respect.

- In personal relationships think quality over quantity.

- Use persistence, concentration, insight and sensitivity to do what matters to you.

- Solve problems, make art, think deeply.

- Figure out what you are meant to contribute to the world and make sure you do so.

- Foster balance in your life....carve out your restorative niches.

- Respect your loved ones' needs for socialising, solitude, etc.

- Spend your free time the way you like rather than the way you think you're supposed to.

- Sensitively help your quiet children with new people and situations, but otherwise let them be themselves taking pride in the strength of their consciences and the loyalty of their friendships, and encouraging them to follow their passions.

- Enjoy the gregarious/participatory types but cultivate also the shy, gentle, autonomous ones. 

- Be aware that while face-to-face contact is an important element in building trust, group dynamics contain unavoidable impediments to creative thinking.

- Be aware that appearance is not reality...the outer can hide a rich inner landscape.

- Know that in our "outgoing" cultures introverts may hold keys to private gardens full of riches.

And a final encouraging word for our "Extravert World" minority - introverts quite often have one or two deep interests for which they feel a forceful passion, and studies show that this sort of intensity (and its accompanying inclination to working independently and "sticking at it") is more often than not a prerequisite to serious talent development.

Sean.

Dean of Quareness.

November, 2014.